April 8, 2009

I have so many emotions swirling through me right now. I can't seem to find the words to really express all that I am feeling. I have gotten some very good news about family and friends who are having health issues and am feeling so thankful for that. My Aunt Phyllis had surgery yesterday to remove her gallbladder. This normally wouldn't be a big deal, but she had her second bypass surgery just 5 months ago, so we of course were concerned about her having this surgery so soon. Also, she has been diagnosed with COPD and emphysema, so anesthesia is a concern. The good news is, she came through everything with flying colors and will be going home today. When I spoke with her this morning, we talked about how nervous we both were going into our gall bladder surgeries. You see, my mother went in for what we thought was routine gall bladder surgery and they found the cancer that had started in her lungs and spread to her liver and other organs. That was March 13, 2002. I will never forget standing in the waiting room with my dad when the Dr. came in to tell us about the surgery. We were expecting a good report, so when he started telling us what he found, it was like I was in a fog and couldn't really understand what he was saying. I do remember asking why we couldn't do a liver transplant, I had heard that the liver regenerates, so I foolishly said she could have part of mine. He told us that wasn't an option, the cancer was too widespread. It was small cell lung cancer and the prognosis wasn't good. I will never forget turning to my dad after the Dr. left the room and he wasn't there beside me anymore. I looked and he was all the way across the room in the corner. I went to him and we just held on to each other and cried.
All of these things were going through my mind as I prepared for my surgery in February. I worried because no one was going to be here for Ed and if things didn't go well, he wouldn't have anyone to hold on to. And Aunt Phyllis was thinking the same things as she went to surgery yesterday. But thank the good Lord, we didn't have to face that, nor did our families. My Aunt Phyllis is very important to me, she is my Mom's baby sister and was there with me in the hospital for my Mom's last 6 weeks of life. We slept in recliners, ate take out food, rubbed lotion on my Mom's feet, laughed, cried, prayed and held on to each other as my Mom slipped away from us. I am so thankful she was there, I don't know if I could have made it through that time without her. So today, I am so very thankful she is okay and God wasn't ready for her yet.

My very dear friend Cindy called last night to tell me her cousin Lisa had finally woken up!! Lisa was diagnosed with bacterial meningitis on March 28th and has been unconscious since then. She has had many ups and downs over the past week and a half and finally last night woke up. I don't have many more details right now, hopefully Cindy will call me soon and tell me more. Just so very thankful for this good news.

I spent the better part of yesterday reading the blog Bring the Rain. Thank you Mary for posting the link for this site. I laughed, cried and couldn't stop reading. This family's story is so touching and inspiring. Yesterday was the one year anniversary of the birth and death of Audrey Caroline, their baby daughter. While I haven't been through what they have, I know the pain of loss and how important those anniversary dates are. March 13th and September 25th are mine right now. The date we found out about my mother's cancer and the date she died. We only had six months with her after the diagnosis and it just wasn't enough time. There are so many things I wish I had said and done before we lost her. I try not to dwell on it, but some days are just so much harder than others. It has been almost 7 years since Mom died and I honestly think I miss her more today than ever. April 5th would have been her 68th birthday, she was only 61 when she died and that is just too young. Her heart was so very strong and she should have lived a very long time. If it weren't for the cancer, I have no doubt she would have been with us many more years. Her oldest sister, my Aunt Inez, will be 92 this year and she is no where near ready for the rocking chair!! Rocking yes, but not in a chair!! I hope I am just like her when I grow up.

Wow, I didn't mean for this to be so long today, guess I needed to get more out than I thought. Maybe I just need to write smaller posts more often, instead of novels each time!!

Rainy days

I love rainy days. I get that from my mother. She loved nothing more than a nice rainy day and ignoring all that needed to be done. People tell me more and more how much like my mother I am. I can see some things, rainy days, our backwards body clocks (doing our best work at 11pm not 11am), our desire to help others in whatever way we can, things like that. But in so many ways we were very different. Mom needed to work for her fulfillment and I have always wanted to be at home with my children. Don't get me wrong, there is real satisfaction in working outside the home and bringing home a paycheck. I just happen to get my satisfaction from my children. Mom always worked and I guess I felt she really wasn't there for me in a way that I needed. So, I went to the exact opposite extreme and determined to always be there for my girls if at all possible. I can't really say what's best, I just know what was best for me. I wanted to always make sure my children weren't the last picked up or had to ask for rides from all the children whose parents were more involved. I am certainly not saying I was a better mother for my efforts, just the kind of mother I wanted to be. Every one has to do what is best for their situation. My mom wasn't happy being a stay at home mom. It just wasn't enough for her. But she was the very best Oncology Nurse you could ever hope to have. I always knew she was good at what she did, but it wasn't until she was in the hospital and dying that I found out just how amazing she really was. So many nurses she had worked with and trained came to see us during her last hospital stay. Each and every one told me that Mom was a "Nurses Nurse", she was the one you wanted caring for your loved one when they were dying from this horrible disease. It was so uplifting to hear them talk about my Mom this way. I loved hearing all the stories they shared about their time working with Mom. It made that last 6 weeks in the hospital a little more bearable. So, even though she may not have been the Mom I thought I wanted while I was growing up, I know she made a huge difference in the lives of so many people and that is a wonderful legacy to leave.
This Sunday, April 5th would have been my mother's 68th birthday. I can't believe it has been almost 7 years since I was last able to wish her Happy Birthday. Although I usually go to the cemetery on her birthday and put yellow roses in the vases on her headstone. It's all I can do, other than try my hardest to try and live up to her expectations of me and be the kind of daughter she would have been proud of. I try every day and most days fall short, but I will keep trying and proudly say "Thank You" when someone is kind enough to say I remind them of my Mom, Wilma Ruth Pollard Hall. I love you Mom and I miss you so very much.